Coming of Age-Loss of Innocence

Last night, into the morning I listened to the sound of the rain...pitter patter, as it bounced off my car roof. Had a lot on my mind, just had seen the film 'Me and Orson Wells'. Before leaving the movie theater parking lot, I was texting with this "gay kid"...he's 16, wants desperately to be in my documentary. It's difficult to know what relationships to maintain...with all my years in social work I know better than to sever these delicate relationships abruptly.

The loss of Bray, barely 20 still weighs heavily on my mind, affecting my emotions deeply.
So, this 'youngen', he's just 16 and very sexually active...he texts me the other night about these three "straight" 18 year old boys coming over with alcohol...then he texts me when everyone is fully drunk saying he's "going to bottom with them tonight, he's in the mood".

Now, after the deeds have been done, he texts me saying, " Yea, I found that 4sums with 3 aggressive drunk str8 men after your ass can be pleasurable until they try to put two in me at once".

Then he texts, "Well, me was very drunk and they were all curious and good friends. Plus hott, so I did not care really. It was a new experience."
So...this kid, as with Bray is a "Cutter"...I feel it's important to allow communication to remain...though he's completely in another State...if just talking with this kid keeps him "safer"...alive ya know, then I've done my part.

Bray was going to get paid $5000 (so he told me when still living) ...to be the Sex Object, "Toy" in a gay ritual, an "initiation" of sorts with 80 gay men in San Francisco...after a long discussion with him, I was finally able to talk him out of it. I told him being raped over and over again and with all the body fluids, no rules or laws upheld to keep him safe...that he'd need 5K just to repair the physical not to mention mental damage done. As I've blogged before, he did finally jump off the Golden Gate Bridge in August...I think of him hitting his head on the way down, floating in the Bay for 3 days before his body was found...it's still a disturbing and frightening picture I can't get out of my mind...

Some people say that I should just make the film 100 % sensual and artistic, not to put out there my heart and that I've got such a rich history of social service...I'm like, WHY?...I'm not just another Photographer shooting this 'edgy genre'! I'm uniquely my own person; can't be fake or unreal like the 'book' or 'cookie cutter' says I'm supposed to be. I'm a proud, creative American Photographer...I plan to "rock the World" with my presence, my creations, statements, commentary and social justice implemented...living, breathing, affecting, changing, growing and making a lot of money through inventive process and teaching young Artists how to achieve their goals/dreams/vision!!!

So, what to do about these troubled or curious at least gay, bi, str8 boys becoming men...well, just perpetuate life...let's just keep on perpetuating life!

Selah,

~Terry

born FREE

It's July 4th 2009 here in America's Finest City! This is my second attempt to publish this post...damn computer problems...anyway, it's 1:38 am, here at LeStat's coffee shop.

The young man in this photo is Alex from Orange County...it's his first photo shoot of this type. He's an American with Vietnamese ancestry.

Now that it's morning, I'll have to talk "about last night"...I went to see the movie, Public Enemies. As I watched, the period piece really spoke to me...reminded me of growing up in Oklahoma and my trips to visit my Grandparents in Kansas. Grandpa Smith at one time was a Sheriff and later worked for the county, building bridges throughout Kansas.

I'm thinking a lot about all the money needed to finish this film...and I don't like that. My focus should be on the Art, not on money. I hope and pray that I'll start to meet people that believe in me and this timely Project. People need to know that most of my life has been dedicated to social service; working for years with the Juvenile Justice System, the past three years doing elder care...just two days ago, this Mexican family took a lot of money from my Client/Patient I take care of...it's a complicated mess. That's partly what's wrong in California...the State has basically bent over and is getting screwed by all these Illegal Aliens here...they drain our welfare system and hospitals...it's ridiculous...our great country is being raped by corrupt and cowardly politicians that only have their own interest in mind.

True social service and activism isn't safe or comfortable. My life has been dedicated to public service, taking on "The System"...standing up for justice. My art is a liberal expression of my creative side. It is my hope that people will see in my film, how important it is to express oneself freely and also be a Social Servant as well.

At the movies, prior to the film...a LEVIS commercial about America was shown...it was beautiful...I think of the Indian boys on the Reservation in Canada that so desperately want to be in front of my camera...to get off the Reservation and live their life freely as fashion Models.

So, America's Finest Kids is more than provocative images and footage, it's about dreams coming true, it's about America...even "North America" and FREEDOM!

After the movie, I walked to Barnes & Noble and looked at and eventually purchased the magazine, Aperture. Topics: NOT-SO-FASHION PHOTOGRAPHY, EDWARD HOPPER'S LEGACY, DIALOGUE WITH DON McCULLIN.

I so enjoyed every page as it turned, I was fascinated with what I beheld...wonderful images and stories...such vision and inspiration... Between the movie, my own memories flooding my conscience and this magazine...I wanted to shout! To Scream out to the World!

Freedom comes with a price, freedom of expression...even in 2009 is being restricted with new laws of social norm and so called morality...the government is perverting the very thing so many people have fought and died to establish and project.

Art can not be canned, packaged in a pre-approved format to please all who witness it's revelation. Art must be freely expressed without fear of retribution...IS ANYONE LISTENING THAT BELIEVES IN THE UNIQUE QUALITY OF EXPRESSIVE FREEDOM??

LET'S MAKE ART! SUPPORT THIS FILM, HELP MAKE IT A REALITY...STAND WITH ME AND WE WILL TELL A TRUE STORY OF STRUGGLE, FAILURE, SUCCESS, CREATIVITY, LIFE, DEATH AND REJUVENATION!

Peace,

Terry

Cops in the Sky!

Cops in the Sky, that's right...wow...what a night, or morning or whatthefuckever! I'm still at LeStat's...accessing the "free" wifi. I've been emailing some magazines...my "already famous" photographer friends have been saying I should be in magazines...so, when we do the fucking search engine thing, then people will fucking start reading this Blog more. Well, as some of you know...I still do social services, elder care...the past few years.

It was killing me to work in juvenile group homes. There is all this shit in the news lately, the "16" yr old boy that was tortured in 'foster care' up in Tracy, California...there is so much more stuff that goes on. I tried fighting the "System" while working in it...got fired, went to Court and WON! Got my back pay, but the thing is...it's just like politics these days...all this shit just keeps on emitting its odor!

So, as very few people know, when I don't crash at Matt's house on my days off...I sleep in my car...last night there were drunks, skaters and their gf's...the Cop in the Sky was shining his light down about 2 am this morning...I was depressed, had a photo shoot cancel on me...I treat even the most 'green' model with respect...it bums me out when a shoot cancels....it hardly ever happens though.

I thought about my life, for just a moment...the depression took me very low...thoughts of not existing, suicide...that shit going through my fucking brain...but, I finally fell to sleep. Yes, my life is a Movie...it's not all 'fun and games', life is difficult to live...that's for sure.

It was cool to briefly talk with Cory in Pennsylvania again...he's now raising his two little daughters...his girlfriend split, what the fuck!...I love this kid!

Francis and I talked also last night...he and his Dad are going back out to fish, 4th time back to back...I look forward to getting out to see him next year in South Carolina to photograph and film him. He was 15 the last time I saw him...Oh', he told me to tell little Jed and his Mom hello last night...and I did. I was invited to the Christmas party at little Jed's home...it was really cool. I brought him a new Skateboard magazine...he's almost 11 now, into skateboarding...

This morning I was pleased to get a call from Sean, he's one of the kids from Seattle that's in my film...however, he's sort of starving, living in Pittsburgh now. Fuck!!, everyone needs money! It would be so cool if I could show more of my photography online, but I'll pick something out to include in this blog.

You know, I love the cast in my documentary so much, I must finish this film for them...let the World see them and get to know them...

-If we die, do we make a ripple?

If we live, dose anyone with money care?

If we reach out to the homeless, the abused & used,

will money come our way?

The next Great American Photographer...or, so people say...

health & foster care etc...

What an amazing 36 hours or so. I talked with my brother, he's going back to Oklahoma to try help out our folks. They are living on social security, Mom's health is failing fast and Dad has his own issues. They both may have to go into a nursing home...this sucks!

Part of my motivation to succeed as an Artist is to be in a place where money isn't so much of an issue. When I can, I'll bring them back out to California...rescue them from the 'prison' of the nursing home.

Yesterday, in the NEWS I heard about the 17 year old boy that was tortured and held captive in chains...in a 'Foster Home' in Tracy, California.

I'm also thinking about the 46 million of American's just like me that don't have and can't currently afford health insurance.

Also I'm thinking of the elder care I do as my work, (when I'm not working on my documentary film production)...

The man I lived with and took care of for 1 1/2 years,...he paid apx. $100,000 a year for 24/7 live-in home care... Oh' how I wish my folks could afford this kind of care...

Since the mid 80's I've worked in the juvenile justice system, and or mentored youth...now working in elder care...and trying to make it as an Artist.

You know, it costs over $100,000 a year to keep an adult in the prison system here in America.
How crazy is that, good people like my folks are left grovling for crumbs of assistance and we in this great country lock up an 18 year old that smokes too much pot...(same money...messed up deal)...

Well enough...

...my name is Terry Smith and I approve this message!

prejudice @ Target....and Skaters dissed!!

I'm here in San Diego, in my car, burning fossil fuel, running my AC, listening to U2 sing...."new years day"....

....watching Skaters, the one kid's board just broke....I gave the kid with open shirt, blond....my business card....told him about my documentary... I spoke with them as I was leaving the newly remodeled Target here on Balboa Ave. Some idiot in a high profile 4x4 tried to hit one of the Skaters as he was marking up the newly painted red curb with his board.... I talked with them about Washington Skate Park.....(built by Skaters)....

....but, what is fucking sad is.....(oh, by the way......Steven Seduction is texting me from Florida....I love this kid, he's so 'friggn' cool)....

...anyways, as I was leaving Target, I was looking down.....to my left a little African American boy, apx 6 or 7 years old was walking hand in hand with his White guardians (Parental units or whatever)........just talking, nothing weird or offensive....and then a 1/2 second later I heard an adult voice say, "fucking niggers"..... I looked up to see who it was....it was an older bearded white guy with his wife......she was probably embarrased....

....it just kinda surprised me, you know....it was sad to me. Maybe because, this little boy didn't do anything that I could tell to provoke this man to say such a thing....Oh well, just had to get online here in Target's parking lot, watch my new Skater friends....and burn more $1.95 a gallon gas and rock out to 94.9 and 91x.....