R.I.P. Alexander "Bray" Baxter lll (april 8, 1989 - august 3, 2009)

Not too long ago I was blogging about my trip to San Francisco, my weekend with Bray. This time, it's about his suicide of this Monday. Wednesday I got a call from his Mom named Joy. She asked me if I'd heard from him, that he's been missing since Monday. She found my card in his bag...when she said that, I just had this strange feeling. My worst fears were realized this morning. It was about 1:30am, just about to go asleep on Matt's couch...but I wanted to check Bray's facebook page one more time. When I signed on...saw the 'Memorial' and 'Tributes'...I thought Oh no, Oh my God...no, no, no...not again. I couldn't even read them completely through. I've been invited to a Memorial...I can't even decline the RSVP. It's the last thing I want to do, to cry with all these people, though I feel the pain of loss...I've had so much loss...emotionally I just can't handle it. When I see Bray's picture from out photo shoot, when I see all the dozens of emails...still in my Inbox...my heart just shakes and trembles...I can still hear his voice, feel his soft skin, feel him breath in and out...telling me all about his life, his dreams of fame and fortune. Words can't do very much...honestly...I can't deal with all this stuff...I mean, I've had so many friends today loving me...telling me not to give up my photo essay and they've encouraged me to finish my documentary...but in a way...I really don't care to...but then, I need to I suppose. When I got in my car to leave Matt's and go to LeStat's for coffee before going to work...turning on the radio to FM 94.9...these lyrics to some song played...then I turned off the radio.

"you can't put your arms around a memory"....SELAH

~Terry

born FREE

It's July 4th 2009 here in America's Finest City! This is my second attempt to publish this post...damn computer problems...anyway, it's 1:38 am, here at LeStat's coffee shop.

The young man in this photo is Alex from Orange County...it's his first photo shoot of this type. He's an American with Vietnamese ancestry.

Now that it's morning, I'll have to talk "about last night"...I went to see the movie, Public Enemies. As I watched, the period piece really spoke to me...reminded me of growing up in Oklahoma and my trips to visit my Grandparents in Kansas. Grandpa Smith at one time was a Sheriff and later worked for the county, building bridges throughout Kansas.

I'm thinking a lot about all the money needed to finish this film...and I don't like that. My focus should be on the Art, not on money. I hope and pray that I'll start to meet people that believe in me and this timely Project. People need to know that most of my life has been dedicated to social service; working for years with the Juvenile Justice System, the past three years doing elder care...just two days ago, this Mexican family took a lot of money from my Client/Patient I take care of...it's a complicated mess. That's partly what's wrong in California...the State has basically bent over and is getting screwed by all these Illegal Aliens here...they drain our welfare system and hospitals...it's ridiculous...our great country is being raped by corrupt and cowardly politicians that only have their own interest in mind.

True social service and activism isn't safe or comfortable. My life has been dedicated to public service, taking on "The System"...standing up for justice. My art is a liberal expression of my creative side. It is my hope that people will see in my film, how important it is to express oneself freely and also be a Social Servant as well.

At the movies, prior to the film...a LEVIS commercial about America was shown...it was beautiful...I think of the Indian boys on the Reservation in Canada that so desperately want to be in front of my camera...to get off the Reservation and live their life freely as fashion Models.

So, America's Finest Kids is more than provocative images and footage, it's about dreams coming true, it's about America...even "North America" and FREEDOM!

After the movie, I walked to Barnes & Noble and looked at and eventually purchased the magazine, Aperture. Topics: NOT-SO-FASHION PHOTOGRAPHY, EDWARD HOPPER'S LEGACY, DIALOGUE WITH DON McCULLIN.

I so enjoyed every page as it turned, I was fascinated with what I beheld...wonderful images and stories...such vision and inspiration... Between the movie, my own memories flooding my conscience and this magazine...I wanted to shout! To Scream out to the World!

Freedom comes with a price, freedom of expression...even in 2009 is being restricted with new laws of social norm and so called morality...the government is perverting the very thing so many people have fought and died to establish and project.

Art can not be canned, packaged in a pre-approved format to please all who witness it's revelation. Art must be freely expressed without fear of retribution...IS ANYONE LISTENING THAT BELIEVES IN THE UNIQUE QUALITY OF EXPRESSIVE FREEDOM??

LET'S MAKE ART! SUPPORT THIS FILM, HELP MAKE IT A REALITY...STAND WITH ME AND WE WILL TELL A TRUE STORY OF STRUGGLE, FAILURE, SUCCESS, CREATIVITY, LIFE, DEATH AND REJUVENATION!

Peace,

Terry

SILK STOCKINGS

I just finished watching the film, SILK STOCKINGS on TCM. It's a lovely and political film from 1957. As I watched Fred Astaire and Cyd Charisse dance across the screen...it was impossible to ignore the power of the storyline. We can learn much from the artistic past...how relevant this picture is for our modern times.

PASSION at 46

Originally I was going to title this blog, "Raped & 120"...because those were my emotional words a few hours ago as I lay in my car, trying to get some sleep. The sound of the rain hitting the metal roof eventually affected me deeply, almost like torture! The day before and into this new morning was full of intense emotion. Early Saturday morning it was a peaceful experience with the rain. Matt's leather sofa was my bed, instead of my front car seat as of this day. It was refreshing in an actuall home. Saturday I left LeStat's (which is where I am now at 6:06am)...and drove by Little Jed's Dad's house. The front door was open, so I stopped by. It was only Jed there...he welcomed me in. His Dad and gf were getting some mexican food. He began to show me all the things they'd just purchased at the garage sales. We read together, each our own new/used book. Then when the 'big people' arrived, we had fun visiting...it was relaxing and very enjoyable. The time slipped away, it was becoming evening and Jed's Mom was outside, there to pick him up...his weekend with Dad had come to an end.

Ed and I talked for awhile about life, parenting etc...I was honored to give advice to this, my good friend. Gormet pizza was for dinner, at my favorite spot on adams avenue. Then to LeStat's once again as I was to meet with an art Patron. He never showed, I waited nearly 4 hours...furious I was; that's when the mental anguish began...So, off to Poway to check my PO Box. Finally, Bray...a beautiful and fragile 19 year old Model in San Francisco returned my call. We talked for 1 1/2 hours. OMG, I felt drained...we poured our hearts out to each other...I was dealing with a recovering heroine addict. He told me his life story in great detail. Captivated, totally drawn in...I couldn't escape this conversation, nor did I want to. Though it was incredibly draining, it was a good experience for us both. We traveled to many dangerous places in our conversation...the past is what it is and it takes courage to deal with it and the present; they are intertwined. Now, well after midnight, it was time to find a safe spot to park and try get some rest. As I parked and tried to get comfortable...it didn't take long for the fear to pay me a visit. My mind was being tormented with my own reality. I wanted to cry, but the tears couldn't fully form in my eyes...shaking, looking and listening to the approaching cars... Each time the car came near, it struck fear in me! I felt as though, once again in my life, my emotions were being raped! As I told Bray a little earlier, that "Life is all about RELATIONSHIPS...AND MONEY"

Thus my PASSION at 46, but who cares?

120 people with a thousand dollars each, could change my life forever and help launch an Art Movement in San Diego, California that in time...would generate Millions of dollars made from sold Artwork! Kids, young adults would be employed, films, photography, various works of art would be made and sold.

My life of social service has meaning. I am an Artist, I am a human being...I have value. PERPETUATE LIFE. Let's make ART, Let's save LIVES...embrace me, love me and I will love and embrace you!

Just hAng'N out with MiChAeL...

Here's a photo from Saturday. Michael is a Model friend of mine here in San Diego. We were gonna shoot color film, because I wanted to go to some specific location and capture the dramatic clouds in the sky. But, by the time we got there...the clouds were gone and it was another "sunny day" in America's Finest City. I'm not sure which image of the 36 on the roll I'm gonna choose...so, let me wrap this up and go take a gander again at the stuff we did. Everyone in the whole wide World, have a beautiful day!!!

"HUMAN CANVAS"

The Human Canvas project to benefit a worthy local Charity/Organization is progressing quite well. Many of my Model friends are re-arranging their schedules already to accommodate the mid-March Event date. I thank in advance the property Owners that are making their space available as a temporary Studio for the public to view and appreciate Art, in the making. This image I've posted is my dear and late friend, Shane Dull. He took his life 4 months after our last group show in 2003, here in San Diego. I love and respect my young Artist friends...I have many good memories. Shane's story will be told in my documentary film. Be strong and courageous...I too suffer from depression and sometimes use this Blog to vent my emotional distress, however, I'm a living testament to being one that's a fighter. Art is sometimes the "savior of our souls". Let's Make Art!

Human Canvas, Suicide & Money...

Maybe it's not the quantity, but the quality of those involved in creating what is art. I am not a business man, I hate having to talk about money. Art breathed life into my existence many years ago, now it seems that the trials of expressing what's inside of me is draining that same life from my very being.
We try so very hard to say something, people listen and then they move onto the next stimulating noise or visual experience.
Why do we humans even bother at all with life, really...what do we wish to accomplish by living it out? Does our mere existence somehow affect the system of the World, it's worth and value? There is no more value in life...man's ideology has consumed our own peace... and civility is over rated...perhaps.
Money and the love of it...brings us all to our knees...and then-----------then we break! Tell me, what is "worthiness" worth? People are so fucking shallow, if they only knew the value of passion...it burns the chaff away from the statues of mediocrity... Why do we celebrate that which we have created...that which has come from our own ambitious and self absorbed propaganda buffet of thought and reason... Fuck it! How profound and worthless is the "Human Canvas".

prejudice @ Target....and Skaters dissed!!

I'm here in San Diego, in my car, burning fossil fuel, running my AC, listening to U2 sing...."new years day"....

....watching Skaters, the one kid's board just broke....I gave the kid with open shirt, blond....my business card....told him about my documentary... I spoke with them as I was leaving the newly remodeled Target here on Balboa Ave. Some idiot in a high profile 4x4 tried to hit one of the Skaters as he was marking up the newly painted red curb with his board.... I talked with them about Washington Skate Park.....(built by Skaters)....

....but, what is fucking sad is.....(oh, by the way......Steven Seduction is texting me from Florida....I love this kid, he's so 'friggn' cool)....

...anyways, as I was leaving Target, I was looking down.....to my left a little African American boy, apx 6 or 7 years old was walking hand in hand with his White guardians (Parental units or whatever)........just talking, nothing weird or offensive....and then a 1/2 second later I heard an adult voice say, "fucking niggers"..... I looked up to see who it was....it was an older bearded white guy with his wife......she was probably embarrased....

....it just kinda surprised me, you know....it was sad to me. Maybe because, this little boy didn't do anything that I could tell to provoke this man to say such a thing....Oh well, just had to get online here in Target's parking lot, watch my new Skater friends....and burn more $1.95 a gallon gas and rock out to 94.9 and 91x.....