Sunday, December 13, 2009

Coming of Age-Loss of Innocence

Last night, into the morning I listened to the sound of the rain...pitter patter, as it bounced off my car roof. Had a lot on my mind, just had seen the film 'Me and Orson Wells'. Before leaving the movie theater parking lot, I was texting with this "gay kid"...he's 16, wants desperately to be in my documentary. It's difficult to know what relationships to maintain...with all my years in social work I know better than to sever these delicate relationships abruptly.

The loss of Bray, barely 20 still weighs heavily on my mind, affecting my emotions deeply.
So, this 'youngen', he's just 16 and very sexually active...he texts me the other night about these three "straight" 18 year old boys coming over with alcohol...then he texts me when everyone is fully drunk saying he's "going to bottom with them tonight, he's in the mood".

Now, after the deeds have been done, he texts me saying, " Yea, I found that 4sums with 3 aggressive drunk str8 men after your ass can be pleasurable until they try to put two in me at once".

Then he texts, "Well, me was very drunk and they were all curious and good friends. Plus hott, so I did not care really. It was a new experience."
So...this kid, as with Bray is a "Cutter"...I feel it's important to allow communication to remain...though he's completely in another State...if just talking with this kid keeps him "safer"...alive ya know, then I've done my part.

Bray was going to get paid $5000 (so he told me when still living) be the Sex Object, "Toy" in a gay ritual, an "initiation" of sorts with 80 gay men in San Francisco...after a long discussion with him, I was finally able to talk him out of it. I told him being raped over and over again and with all the body fluids, no rules or laws upheld to keep him safe...that he'd need 5K just to repair the physical not to mention mental damage done. As I've blogged before, he did finally jump off the Golden Gate Bridge in August...I think of him hitting his head on the way down, floating in the Bay for 3 days before his body was's still a disturbing and frightening picture I can't get out of my mind...

Some people say that I should just make the film 100 % sensual and artistic, not to put out there my heart and that I've got such a rich history of social service...I'm like, WHY?...I'm not just another Photographer shooting this 'edgy genre'! I'm uniquely my own person; can't be fake or unreal like the 'book' or 'cookie cutter' says I'm supposed to be. I'm a proud, creative American Photographer...I plan to "rock the World" with my presence, my creations, statements, commentary and social justice, breathing, affecting, changing, growing and making a lot of money through inventive process and teaching young Artists how to achieve their goals/dreams/vision!!!

So, what to do about these troubled or curious at least gay, bi, str8 boys becoming men...well, just perpetuate life...let's just keep on perpetuating life!